Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Three weeks into a virus that has drained every ounce of energy from my body and arctic temperatures that would make Santa uncomfortable, and I am officially down in the dumps.
It is a struggle to remain positive with the myriad of disappointments that have piled up and weighed me down. The uncertainties stemming from legal lies, financial hardship and ongoing serious health issues are trying to steal my joy and peace, and ruin my New Year's resolution to trust in Jesus completely.
Yup, just seven days into this New Year and my trust has wavered and I feel tempted towards that familiar hiding place called despair.
It is easy to feel abandoned when all of your efforts and hard work do not seem to be enough. When promises fall through. When those who know better will lie to benefit themselves.
I am honestly at the point where I do not know what will become of us and I am feeling abandoned.
This morning was particularly difficult and I cried until the tears would no longer flow. Why have we fought the good fight so long? Why doesn't anyone care? Why won't this suffering stop? Are we going to be homeless?
In was in this darkness that I heard Him speak to my soul. His gentle tone served as a balm to soothe my bloodied and torn heart. In His suffering He made all the difference. His scourged body, pierced scalp, and agonizing death was the armor that protects us even now. In His weakest moment, He was the strongest.
"Hold on," he said. "Be strong and fight a little more. This is my battle and I will carry you and replenish your spirit."
And through that moment, flashbacks of the many who have gifted us in so many tangible ways wove through my thoughts. Little "Christs'", who have been servant, gift, food, love and family to us. And I know, we do have a safe place to go should things become more sullied. We have family who would graciously take us in. Though we would not wish to be a burden, they are such a gift to us--opening their hearts, their homes and their providence to us. We are so very wealthy indeed.
The most difficult aspect for me now is praying for those who have and who continue to harm us, but pray for them I do. I pray for conversion of their hearts and that compassion replaces their greed and selfishness. It is a journey for me, but one I can take because He is with me.